Most of you have already figured out – in the most inconvenient of ways – that classes are cancelled this week. I am terribly sorry for the inconvenience and am trying to keep you all up to date, now.
I intend to be back in the studio Monday morning – have a further dr appointment Monday afternoon, and will go from there with updates. I assume we will be ‘back to normal’; if not, I will post here immediately and change the online schedule as needed.
Just over a week ago my bike and I had an unfortunately close encounter with the grill of a pickup truck. It was scary but uneventful, and in my flustered state I walked away fine. Fine, I thought, was everything.
Monday evening, though, I started to throw up. Odd, I thought, since I didn’t feel sick in the least and couldn’t figure anything funny in my diet. But I kept throwing up and shortly thereafter started feeling very, very dizzy and confused. Confused enough that I became scared (when minds get bleary, we start to fear losing reality pretty quick). And so tired I could hardly manage walking from one room to another. So, I went to the ER.
I was diagnosed with concussion following the bike accident and told to sit still for a week. Told that concussions are very common and usually not a big deal – that most people don’t even realize they’ve had them. But, being a bruise on the brain, they can also be a very big deal indeed. The issue seems to be that we can’t really know, but have to just wait. Sit still a week, let bruises heal, and then see.
I could tell you the whole range of awful emotions I’ve gone through and how I’ve been crying my way through the last few days. How dare I be so irresponsible to students, I thought. What kind of shoddy buisness am I running that has to close all sudden like just a month into being open? What a horrible teacher I am, after all. Let alone all the financial fears and the fact of being uninsured, the fear of what a week closed will do to a business just trying to start, what students will think…let alone the scary, mostly unspoken, but vaguely there idea that my mind and body might have to make permanent adjustments to what I’ve been calling ‘yoga’.
But the larger point, and truth of the matter, is this: yoga is bigger than my little accidents and the studio itself is more important than what happens there over the course of one week. The studio will be just fine, in the long run. The students will be just fine. And even if I do have to make adjustments to my own practice, to acknowledge embodiment and injury and limit, I can still be an amazing teacher. I simply have to accept that I’m not so in control as I thought or wanted. That the glossy skimming on and feeling in control is more dangerous, really, than is dealing with things as they come and doing what I can.
Thank you all for your kind thoughts; they have helped and continue to help. I will see you all soon.